March 28, 2015

The Twitter fauna

Cute animals to make you awww

Like animals, there are many of types of Twitter users out there.
With all the talk about how it is to behave good and bad on Twitter, one notices the Twitter fauna can be funny and entertaining, or also annoying and depressing, depending how you look at it.
I will focus on the funny ones ’cause the “good” Twitter users are good kids and don’t really make up for a fun post :( (but I still love you).

Bear in mind, this is intended as a laugh so don’t get offended if you recognize yourself in any of these types, just smile :p (or offend me in the comments, I won’t remove them promise)

The over-sharer

This kind of person typically had an early surgery to his main hand in order to wire his Twitter device of choice (typically a Blackberry) directly to his nervous system. This allows him to reach an astonishing rate of up to 110 TPM (Tweets Per Minute), and as famous researches have shown, I remind you that one needs at least 97 TPM in order to provide full coverage about his whole life’s happenings.
The over-sharer will typically inform you of everything happening around him, from the new pastry at the local bar to a detailed report of his bowel movements.
Sadly you cannot follow more than 2-3 over-sharers or your Twitter client will simply blow up.

Why to follow them: no reason. Really. If you follow an over-sharer you probably did it by mistake, or it’s a friend’s account you really would feel too bad not to follow, or maybe it’s your aunt who just discovered Twitter and now is abusing it horribly but you can’t risk to lose the sweet sweet Christmas presents she give you every year.

The Mashable fanboy

Look, we all love Mashable, heck it’s the first thing I read in the morning when I get to my office.
But the fanboy will reserve the right to retweet any single post they read there. Very few knows, but there is an underground tournament (similar to the typical underground tournament in early Van Damme movies, wow I loved those ones) where every Mashable fanboy participates in a death match about who tweets a new post for first. The winner wins his life, the others are terminated. Good thing there’s a constant refresh of fanboys so your stream never dries up.

Why to follow them: oh yes you might ask, why not follow Mashable RSS directly? The Mashable fanboy is very sneaky and hides his signature tweets among more meaningful ones, so you might not even know you’re following a fanboy ’til it’s too late. And when it’s too late, you won’t want to risk losing a follower, will you?

The Retweeter

WARNING: I admit I might fall in this :D

Retweeting is good, we all know it, but the Retweeter feels the compulsive need to retweet virtually everything. Not just useful posts (hey, we all do that) but also #FF mentions, public replies, tweets sent by mistake, celebrities tweeting stuff like “hehehe I saw a brown doggie” and so on. Having an over-sharer and a Retweeter in your stream will make your stream transform in a cosmic singularity, starting the generation of a black hole.

Why to follow them: if you can’t follow your stream constantly throughout the day, following a Retweeter is a good way to always be updated about everything. Everything. Really.

The Lurker

The typical lurker follows as many people as physically allowed by Twitter limitations, possibly starting new accounts to follow even more. The motivation will often be along the lines of “I am still learning” or “I need more time to participate” or also “I am a bit shy”. We’ve been lurkers at some point in our life, but the real Lurker will delay his evolution and probably end up forgetting to own a Twitter account at all.

Why to follow them: Having lots of Lurkers is good! It inflates your Followers count without having to follow them back and it makes you feel appreciated, warm and fuzzy inside.

The Pessimist

The world sucks. Like, big time. What’s gonna make you feel better than sharing this deep thought with like… everyone? Tweet at will, my dear Pessimist friend, let others share your pain, open the eyes of the ones who don’t see things as clear as you do. The pessimist will occasionally tweet about unfortunate happenings in his life, often accompanying it with the #FML hashtag.

Why to follow them: well it’s never bad to follow a Pessimist, for the same reason the FailBlog has got so many hits: watching others’ misfortune often entertains us.

The Complainer

You made a Twitter account just to bash on a brand that disappointed you. You are tech savvy enough to put searches in place in order to track down every single mention of said brand and you jump in telling everyone your story and bashing some more. It’s ok, we all thought to do it at some point, the difference is that uhm we didn’t. Ironically Complainers will probably be followed by bots auto-following people mentioning that very same brand for promotional reasons.

Why to follow them: hey I can’t make up any reason to follow Complainers, but don’t be sad: they most likely don’t care either.

I am sure there are a LOT more typologies of Twitter users, but 1. can’t think of any more right now 2. I have people looking at me with a sad face and I have to go comfort them and listen to their problems, so I’ll leave it up to you.

Have you met any other kind of Twitter user?

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